The Hardest Thing I Did in Costa Rica

I’m not kidding:

Whatever I desired manifested out of thin air.

I was a magnet for the experiences and connections I longed for.

From the moment I arrived in Nosara, Costa Rica, synchronicities blossomed like jungle flowers and I discovered a version of myself I’ve been working to become for a very long time.

This “yoga retreat” was a precious gift… just for me.

So I dove headfirst into self-work and made massive shifts I’d been seeking for years.

I felt fully alive – with clarity, power and presence.

Meanwhile…

My friends and family felt the shape of my absence.

And they resented me for it.

While I was in paradise expanding, the people I love most were contracting.

Kayla kept hearing the same refrain from friends and family:
“Ugh. I can’t believe he left you.”

It wasn’t just logistical strain. It was abandonment. Betrayal. Selfish indulgence.

After the first few days I heard the tone shift when I called home to my partner, Kayla.

And I felt it — that old restraint, clamping tight around my throat.

I couldn’t share all the amazing things that were happening for me.

Like sharing my joyful aliveness was doing harm.

Then I remembered a time last year when I was sick in bed for a week.

These same friends had doted on me with love and well wishes.

And I thought:

When someone’s sick, we show up with casseroles and compassion.

But when someone is well – openly, radiantly, blissfully well – we treat them like a threat.

We are so trained to see self-sacrifice as noble, that witnessing someone choosing to fill their own cup seems sacrilegious.

Now, I don’t say all this to minimize the experience of the people who held space for me while I was off having my personal transformation.

Indeed, so much of my experience involved reflecting with gratitude on the fullness of my life and especially the people in it.

But it left me wondering:

What if we could celebrate wellness with the same urgent sincerity that we comfort suffering?

What if “go be you” rose to our lips while witnessing vitality as easily as “get well soon” does for pain?

This might seem trivial, but it’s massive.

It’s the fulcrum on which our self love rests.

Because the feelings we experience in relation to others are reflections.

If we so readily embrace and validate the small, sick and wounded parts of others while damning their big, powerful, self-full aspects – it’s a reflection of how expertly we limit our own creative expression.

This is the uncomfortable space I’ve been on the edge of for the last 4 years as I’ve rebuilt my relationship to myself through art.

Overcoming the feelings of unworthiness – “who am I to call myself an artist? Who am I to presume I have anything important to say? Who am I to let my creative needs disrupt the comfort of others?”

And the most sinister of all: “I’ll wait for a better time… after I’ve earned it with struggle and self-sacrifice.”

We’ve been lied to – to keep us small, incomplete and endlessly seeking validation.

The very death of our divine creative spark.

Listen:
You are worthy, whole and deserving right now.
If you ever shrink to make others more comfortable…

If you ever question your right to play…
Then this is your permission slip.

Let’s stop apologizing for being well.

Let’s stop downplaying our gifts and dulling our glow.
We don’t need to earn our aliveness.
Just like I didn’t need to earn the jungle’s gift.

It is all here for us if we are able to receive.
Not in selfishness,
But in sacred self-full rebellion.

I have a few big jungle stories to share…
And I will in my next few letters.

And I’ll share them in all their bigness — with deep gratitude for the web of support that helped me receive them.

With love in my heart and paint on my fingers,

Ryan

Image: My favorite table at Blue Spirit, Costa Rica, overlooking the restored rain forest and pacific ocean beyond. I loved painting in the greens, blues and vibrant colors of the flowers. Excited to share more!