I Chose Joy… And Holy Rage Followed (Highest Excitement Part 6)

One week after I started the experiment of following my highest excitement – I found myself sitting on a bench in the sunshine, reflecting on all that had happened:

The bliss-bender, the victory-hangover and the slingshot back into frantic productivity.

I felt a bit head spun – it was hard to make sense of all that’d happened.

I closed my eyes and asked guidance, “what should I do next?”

And then I heard the voice of an actual goddess.

“Ryan… come to paradise.”

…I’m not kidding you.

Here I was, following my bliss, only to receive a personal invitation from Joy herself.

This divinely inspired being of cosmic empowerment – aka – my favorite yoga teacher – had contacted me to say that she had one room left for her Costa Rica yoga retreat… and she wanted me to take it.

I can’t tell you the specifics of the offer because I swore to secrecy.

Let’s just say it was too miraculous to pass up.

I asked Joy, “why are you offering this to me?”

Her answer: “…of all the people I talked to, you were the most excited by it. I saw you light up.”

Boom!

Proof of the power of embodying highest excitement!

Right?!

…well… not so fast…

I talked to my partner, Kayla.

We played out a familiar pattern in our relationship – my care-free enthusiasm was carrying me off on the wings of angels, while she was stuck working her butt off.

The lives of a teacher and an artist are… very different.

But something new happened.

In the past, I’d feel intense guilt for the strain I was putting on her, and I’d intentionally dim my spark for her comfort.

I’d look for additional ways I could suffer for what I wanted, as if struggle were the currency of worthiness.

And in the past, she’d play the role of the silent saint. Downplaying the impact I had on her and hiding away her real feelings.

But this time, she burned with Holy anger.

Jealousy. Resentment.

I saw her. Truly. And discovered the rage wasn’t all directed at me. There were very old wounds here.

I was honored to be shown them.

And I didn’t dim my spark, or seek extra-credit-suffering to try to even the scales.

I let myself be as excited as I was.

I let myself be as lucky — as privileged — as I was.

With humble gratitude and love for this absurd reality that keeps supporting me –

Especially Kayla.

It was, as our daughter would say, a “fraggle-dy-daggle-dy” moment for us.

But through our honesty, energy moved so quickly…

The old pattern was lived out in a matter of minutes.

(Instead of hours, or weeks… or even years… as it had been in the past)

I said “yes” to the adventure.

…

But buckle up, my friend — in my next letter, I’ll take you into the wild ride of lost passports, roadside rescues, and unexpected surgeries.

Trust me: the divine tragicomedy wasn’t even close to done with me yet.

Life never lets up.

And for my part, I’m still deep in the experiment, trying to make heads or tails of just what the hell it all means.

Stay tuned.

~Ryan

Image: The Jungle Mermaid – 12×16 Watercolor – One of several paintings I’ve done of my local yoga heroes. Prints available. Reply “Mermaid” and I’ll message you details!